Well, for one thing, I’ve clearly been going to the wrong Tim Horton’s. For another, this video marks the LAST TIME any Canadian from anywhere gets to make fun of American accents. Y’all put like 15 extra syllables in the word “sorry.”
Anyway, Tim Horton’s newest ad campaign features “Your High School Math Teacher You Accidentally Ran Into At The Mall” Sidney Crosby and “The Only Other Person At This College Party Who Was Also Driven Here By His Mom” Nate MacKinnon. And like all the best advertising campaigns, we didn’t just leave with a vague breakfast sandwich craving; we also left a little more knowledgeable than we did before.
1. Everyone is bad at things.
Everyone is bad at something. Like, you know how you just can’t wrap your mind around the American taxation system? Well, Hockey Superstars Sidney Crosby and Nate MacKinnon aren’t very good at service delivery. Celebrities: they’re just like us!
Related: wtf is a “single double”? You can’t be both single and double, Tim Horton’s.
2. Nobody knows how coffee machines work.
WE ALL KEEP PRETENDING, BUT NOBODY KNOWS! Why does the filter fall in on itself sometimes but not other times? Why are there ALWAYS like 6 additional drips after the coffee machine claims to be done? How come it’s literally not possible to pour it without spilling? Do fancier machines make fancier coffee, and also what even is fancier coffee?
Nobody knows. Sidney Crosby doesn’t know, and neither do you.
3. There is no human in the whole world who doesn’t secretly love to call you out for small semantic mistakes.
“It’s actually water that’s frozen??? Not ice???”
Sidney Crosby and Nate MacKinnon are the guys that don’t let you play Scrabble words if you can’t define them without looking at a dictionary.
4. Everyone takes the “desert island” question seriously, every time. Don’t lie. Every time.
We all like to pretend we know it’s just a game, but don’t play like you don’t agonize about your answer. Don’t play like your friend’s better, smarter answer doesn’t haunt you.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have ALREADY thought about this a lot and know immediately that their answers are “a survival guide and a machete,” and people who try to play it off like that will ~never happen and what’s the ~point of hypotheticals but who are secretly thinking to themselves, “I’d die. Oh God. Oh God. If I get stranded on a desert island I am completely screwed.”
5. Everyone has that one person from high school that was slightly better than them at everything and also doesn’t even have the decency to be a douchebag.
“Oh, they…rescue…orphans in their free time? When they’re not being a multimillionaire philanthropist dedicated to human rights and the environment? And they–oh, haha, they’re in a band, too. That’s great. Vogue’s Hot 100. Fantastic. Oh, yeah, my sports blog actually won an award for Best Sports Blog, but no, you’re right. Rescuing orphans. That’s … way cooler.”
6. Old people are the best people.
They’ve stopped caring about social niceties and they look great in hats. Be nice to old people.
7. Stereotypes are based on a grain of truth.
Canada. Pull yourself together.
8. The best parents are the ones who actively seek to embarrass you in front of your cool friend.
As that one Death Cab for Cutie song says, fear is the heart of love. My mom picked me up for Christmas vacation when I was 16 wearing a full Santa suit, including a beard and a fake tummy. Nate MacKinnon’s dad made an appearance in his Tim Horton’s commercial.
Public humiliation is just their way of letting us know they care.