Confession: I hate the Springfield Lampreys, which is a real NHL hockey team and not a fake one. I hate their GM, Smitty McTrevor; I hate their mascot, which is a demon sent from the watery hell pit of the ocean; I hate their goal song, “We Didn’t Start The Fire”; I hate their captain, Joel Baggins; and I hate their team colors, which are horrible.
The Springfield Lampreys–which are definitely, for sure a real NHL team, and not a team I made up so that I could be rude and horrible without considering anybody else’s feelings–are an important part of being a hockey fan for someone like me, who apologizes to chairs when I run into them. Sometimes, when I’m mad at some team or some player or some ref or even the Pittsburgh Penguins, I need somewhere to direct that petulance that I won’t regret later.
For days when I’m just bitter about Sport Game and I want to whine and slam my fists on the floor about it–when I find myself in those times of trouble, the Springfield Lampreys come to me.
Speaking words of wisdom: come at me.
There are three levels of hating the Springfield Lampreys. At the Franchise Level, you are bitter and furious at a team for no reason other than they exist in your general atmosphere but aren’t the team that you want to exist in your atmosphere.
- Teams you’re generally neutral about but knocked your team out of the playoffs
- Team you’re generally neutral about but they have that one guy that ruins the whole franchise for you
- Teams you bitterly hate because they took someone or something that you love, but if they’d just GIVE BACK [PLAYER NAME] you could go back to feeling neutrally about them
- Teams you’re generally neutral about but their media and fans make you want to give yourself a root canal
You can hate them for anything you want. You can hate their media (God, every article out of the Springfield Tribune makes me want to light myself on fire; how can you do this for a living and still be so wrong all the time???), you can hate their fans (wow, show a little class, Springfield), you can hate their systems (“Springfield Lampreys” more like “Suckfield Dumpreys” amirite), you can hate those terrible ads that are everywhere across the city depicting their captain, Douchebag Joel Baggins, holding a lamprey above his head and howling like some sort of weird animal.
Speaking of the captain of the Springfield Lampreys–a 100% real NHL franchise–let’s talk about the Player Level.
The Player Level is for that guy. You know that guy. We all have that guy.
- That player who is a dirty, diving, cheating piece of traaaaash
- That player who is so good but is not on your team and therefore has betrayed you
- That player who doesn’t really bother you on-ice but by all appearances is an abhorrent person off of it
- That player that you just don’t like and can’t figure out why, but you suspect has something to do with his untrustworthy facial expressions
Give all of that to Joel Baggins. Joel Baggins talks to the refs too much. Joel Baggins is an egregious diver. Joel Baggins doesn’t care if he gives people concussions. Joel Baggins takes runs at goalies.
HEY JOEL. Do you see our guys taking runs at your goalie, Ralph Yodel???? No. We leave Yodes 1 alone. Lay off my goalie, you two-months-old container of Chinese food.
Finally, we have the “Management Level.” For any of your beef with upper management, from GMs to Gary Bettman, we have, at your service, Smitty McTrevor.
Smitty McTrevor, the Lamps’ GM, is one of those gross, greasy old men who thinks that stats are “a passing fad, just like the Internet.” He talks openly about the good old days, when teams had C-forms and the reserve clause. Smitty McTrevor doesn’t think repeated concussions can cause lasting brain trauma, despite what 100% of doctors say. If Smitty McTrevor drove an ice cream truck, he couldn’t pay me to eat one of his ChocoTacos, and I love ChocoTacos. I’d break up with a man who said he preferred Drumsticks. 2
Everything about the Lampreys is inarguably the worst. It’s the best thing about them.