NHL Rookie Orientation Weekend

The first conversation I ever held with Katie Rose (@ladybrokatiero) went basically like this:

KATIE ROSE: You made me like the Blowies, and I’m mad about it.
MOLLYHALL: I’m not sorry.

That conversation isn’t relevant to this article, I just wanted to show off what a good ambassador I am for CBJ, and Katie Rose insisted that we maintain our “journalistic integrity” by “telling the truth”. But our SECOND conversation went like this:

MOLLYHALL: I’m going to get “NHL ROOKIES, GET OFF TINDER!” tattooed onto my body.
KATIE ROSE: WHY STOP THERE.

From there, the “Katie Rose and Mollyhall’s School For Rookies Who Play Hockey Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good, Too,” was born. AKA: “NHL Rookie Orientation Weekend ’15.”

Below, you’ll find the weekend’s itinerary. We’ll be waiting for the NHL and NHLPA’s phone call.

DAY ONE Monday, June 29, 2015

Time                Event

8:00-8:30              Continental Breakfast

Opening remarks from Gary Bettman. Rotten fruit will be provided.

8:30-9:00             Introductions. Share one “fun fact” about yourself!

Caution: whatever fact you choose will be forwarded to Pierre McGuire, who will bring it up ten years from now when you least expect it.

9:00-11:00             Who Wants to Stay a Millionaire? Basic Investment Strategies

Available Break-out Groups:

  • Your Parents Love You But Your Parents Don’t Necessarily Know How To Manage Multiple Millions of Dollars
  • Your Friends Also Love You But Dollars To Donuts Your Friends Want You To Be The Guy Always Responsible For Funding Parties: Learning To Say No
  • Budgeting is Not Only Possible, It’s Probably Mandatory

11:00-12:00            Retirement Planning Isn’t Just for Old People Anymore!   

Guest Lecturer: The Nice Old Man Who Has Worked At Your Local Bank Since 1970

12:00-1:00  Lunch (sponsored by Kraft)

Cheesy and easy!

 1:00-3:00 House Hunters: NHL

Please fill out the brief survey provided below prior to attendance.

  1. Do you live alone?
  2. Do you have pets?
  3. Can you define the phrase “estate tax” without use of Google or texting your mom?
Session One: When is it time to buy a 100,000 square foot house?
PREVIEW: Do you live alone? NOT RIGHT NOW. 
Session Two: Using Real Estate As An Investment Technique, Not A Status Symbol
PREVIEW: Girls don’t think your dick is proportional to your house.
Session Three: So You’ve Got A Brand New Apartment!
PREVIEW: For the love of God, buy some furniture that isn’t a videogame console. Entertainment centers don’t count. For ideas, consider couches, shower curtains, or basic kitchen supplies. Remember, you’ll need pots to make all the KD you’ll be eating!
Session Four: Never Ever Give Out Your Address What Were You Thinking Now You Have To Move.
Self-explanatory.

3:00-4:00 Group Activity

Pair up and make a housing contract with your fellow rookies/veteran roommate. Discuss stances on overnight guests, controlled substances, and who is in charge of taking out the garbage even when it smells really bad.

 4:00-5:00 Competitive SIMs.

Who can build the most stable family and living environment in the shortest time without using Rosebud? Points will be awarded based on the following factors: 1) sensibility of home environment; 2) happiness of SIMs; 3) diversity of SIMs interests, hobbies, and ethnicities; 4) ability to keep a pet alive.

DAY TWO Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Time           Event

8:00-8:30   Continental Breakfast 

Welcome our Special Guests, Lauren Cosgrove and Andrew Ference.

9:00-10:00 Smartphone Etiquette: Screencaps Are Forever

Smartphone Etiquette, Part Two: Your Number Is Not An Acceptable Password
Smartphone Etiquette, Part Three: “My Friend Hacked My Twitter” Is Not An Acceptable Excuse; Either Own Up To Being A Douchebag When You’re Drunk OR Get Friends Who Aren’t Fucking Idiots, TYLER.

10:00-11:00 Sex, Lies, & Videotape: Why Googling Yourself Is A Bad Idea

11:00-12:00 Playing at Politics: Why You Should Never Voice a Political Opinion That You Have Not Thoroughly Researched Or Are Not Prepared To Stand Behind 100%

Available Break Out Groups:

  • Foreign Policy: Probably Not
  • Religion vs Government: Almost Certainly A Mistake
  • Birth Control: Son, Just Don’t.

12:00-1:00 Brown Bag Lunch and Learn

Instagram Clinic: Special Guest Lecturer Lauren Cosgrove 

1:00-3:00 Stress Management and Survival Techniques: Pick THREE of Five Available Sessions

  • Are You Dwight or Jim? Pranks in the Workplace
  • Beyond Chirping: Using “I” Statements to Resolve Locker Room Conflicts
  • Get Thee To A Therapist Like Almost Immediately
  • Casual Sexual Harassment Is Neither Charming Nor Acceptable
  • Blacking Out From Tequila Shots Isn’t As Fun As It Looks, Kids

3:00-4:00 Your Body & You: Why You Should Never, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, Ever, EVER, EVER HIDE AN INJURY

PREVIEW: Case studies

  • Sidney Crosby, Jonathan Toews (concussion)
  • Bobby Orr (knee problems)
  • Nathan Horton (degenerative back pain)

4:00-5:00 Social Media and Community Engagement Practicum

Eco-Friendliness Isn’t Just for Hippie Weirdos Anymore! Special Guest Lecturer Andrew “Hot Yet Paternal Scene Kid” Ference. Partner with Andrew to help build a community garden and take three (3) pics for instagram. Best photo will receive a starter pack of composting worms AND a brand-new, city safe commuting bicycle (with helmet).

DAY THREE Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Time          Event

8:00-8:30   Continental Breakfast

Welcome our Special Guests, Erik Karlsson, Eddie Lack, and the crew of HBO 24/7 .

9:00-10:00  Surviving NHL TV Deals: How To Make It Look Like You’re Doing Just Fine Living Alone

Case Studies:

  • Phil Kessel & Tyler Bozak: Bozie Lives in a Closet & We Don’t Do Shit
  • Sidney Crosby: Literally Not Even Trying (Guest Starring the Lemieux Family)
  • Jordan Eberle & Taylor Hall: Is Taylor Hall Really Afraid of Cartoons?
  • TJ Oshie: Surprising Everyone By Having His Life Almost Completely Put Together

10:00-11:00  White People Aren’t Allowed To Talk About PK Subban

Voluntary for any players of color. Everyone else will watch “The House We Live In,” from PBS.* A short test will be issued after. If you don’t pass, you are permitted to watch the documentary as many times as necessary until you do.

*We recognize that this is a U.S. documentary, and Canadian players will be permitted to swap it out for a Canadian one of equal merit.

11:00-12:00 Beyond Nickelback: Expanding Your Musical Repertoire

PREVIEW: We know you love Nickelback. That’s okay. Love what you love. We’re just saying, there’s other stuff out there. You have options. Maybe consider trying out something different. Maybe something vastly different. Maybe the opposite of Nickelback. Burn your Nickelback CDs. Trust us. Trust us. Let go. 

12:00-1:00 Brown Bag Lunch and Learn

Say It’s A Man’s Game One More Time: with special guests Hilary Knight, Noora Räty, and Hayley Wickenheiser

1:00-2:00 How Not To Be An Asshole: Sports Culture, Machismo, And How To Be Just Like Erik Karlsson

Guest Lecturer Erik Karlsson

  • featuring a special appearance by Eddie Lack
  • Please bring a laptop, as you will be getting on Tumblr to encourage young fans.

2:00-3:00 Being A Professional Athlete Does Not Entitle You To Literally Anything From Anyone, Ever

PREVIEW: Don’t fucking sexually assault people. 

3:00-4:00 There’s More To Life Than Being Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking: Hair Practicum

Available Break Out Groups:

  • Hair Gel & You: Learning Moderation
  • What Makes A Flow “Sick”?
  • How To Understand What Your Mirror Is Telling You

 4:00-5:00 WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

PREVIEW: You’re all the winners. The prize is that you will be on the road to becoming a well-rounded adult human AND you’ll survive life in the limelight with sensible financial management, improved taste in music, and great hair. You’re welcome. We love you. BE GOOD, AND GOOD LUCK.

4 Comments

  1. thegirlintheafternoon November 30, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    I am having a shit day and literally the only good thing about it is this website/these articles, which are delightful. Love the podcast, congrats on the site.

    • Oh man, thanks! And I hope things get better. Just remember: at least you probably know there is music in the world other than Nickleback, so that’s a definite positive.

  2. This is hilarious and awesome and the best thing ever.

  3. This is perfect! If only.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

*