Your Non-Partisan 2015 All-Star Game Voter Guide

Election time can be confusing and annoying. So many people trying to bribe you for your vote. So little real information about where the candidates stand on the issues that matter most. We know PK Subban is a talented defenseman, but how does he feel about nuclear disarmament? Would Ovechkin shake your hand and kiss your baby, if given the opportunity? Luckily we at What’s Icing have your back, with the ultimate All-Star voters guide.

Some of these ballots may not strictly follow the three forwards, two defensemen, one goalie model the NHL is forcing on us. Some may or may not have players who aren’t currently on an NHL roster or perhaps were never on an NHL roster. But I’m sure you won’t let that stand in your way. Fight the man. Buck the system. Maybe hack the website or something? I believe in you.

So, without further ado: Your ASG voters guide, helpfully organized by sample ballots depending on what matters most to you.

THE WE WANT THE D BALLOT

Defenseman 1: PK Subban

Defenseman 2: Johnny Oduya

Defenseman 3: Erik Karlsson

Defenseman number oh who cares he’s got good face: Kris Letang

Mmmm yeah: Shea Weber

In case your mother would prefer you bring home a nice Jewish boy: Jason Demers

 

THE ANIME EYES AND CHUBBY CHEEKS BALLOT

Goalie 1: Eddie Lack

Goalie 2: Antti Raanta

Defenseman 1: Seth Jones

Defenseman 2: Ryan Murray

Forward 1: Tomas Hertl

Forward 2: Jamie Benn’s chubby lil cheeks

Forward 3: An adorably grumpy Alex Galchenyuk

 

THE AWKWARD HOLIDAY DINNER BALLOT

Goalie: Steve Mason

Goalie 2: Ilya Bryzgalof

Goalie 3: Sergei Bobrovsky

Goalie 4: Sergei Bobrovsky’s Vezina Trophy

Forward 1: Rick Nash

Forward 2: Jeff Carter

Forward 3: A Columbus fan loudly yelling “NO ONE LOVES YOU JEFF CARTER” the entire weekend

Defenseman 1: Jack Johnson

Defenseman 2: Boomer

THE HOT DADS BALLOT

Goalie: Henrik Lundqvuist

Defenseman 1: Andrew Ference

Defenseman 2: Ryan Suter

Forward 1: Patrick Marleu

Forward 2: Joe Thornton

Forward 3: Marian Hossa

 

THE HOT DADS IN SPIRIT BALLOT

Boone Jenner in tall athletic socks and sandals for all six positions.

 

THE FRATBROS ANONYMOUS BALLOT

Goalie: A keg of natty lite

Defenseman 1: Michael Del Zotto

Defenseman 2: MDZ is gonna call around and see if that pornstar he did a terrible job of dating can hook you up with a second defenseman.

Forward 1: Tyler Seguin

Forward 2: (Edited 12/1/2016) jk replace the former suggestion with the literal dumpster fire of your choosing.

Forward 3: James Neal

Healthy Scratches: Everyone James Neal has ineffectually kissed recently

Also I was definitely lying about the non-partisan thing. You know who you need to vote for.

Nick Foligno and Sergei Bobrovsky: Vote early, vote often!