Election time can be confusing and annoying. So many people trying to bribe you for your vote. So little real information about where the candidates stand on the issues that matter most. We know PK Subban is a talented defenseman, but how does he feel about nuclear disarmament? Would Ovechkin shake your hand and kiss your baby, if given the opportunity? Luckily we at What’s Icing have your back, with the ultimate All-Star voters guide.
Some of these ballots may not strictly follow the three forwards, two defensemen, one goalie model the NHL is forcing on us. Some may or may not have players who aren’t currently on an NHL roster or perhaps were never on an NHL roster. But I’m sure you won’t let that stand in your way. Fight the man. Buck the system. Maybe hack the website or something? I believe in you.
So, without further ado: Your ASG voters guide, helpfully organized by sample ballots depending on what matters most to you.
THE WE WANT THE D BALLOT
Defenseman 1: PK Subban
Defenseman 2: Johnny Oduya
Defenseman 3: Erik Karlsson
Defenseman number oh who cares he’s got good face: Kris Letang
Mmmm yeah: Shea Weber
In case your mother would prefer you bring home a nice Jewish boy: Jason Demers
Goalie 1: Eddie Lack
Goalie 2: Antti Raanta
Defenseman 1: Seth Jones
Defenseman 2: Ryan Murray
Forward 1: Tomas Hertl
Forward 2: Jamie Benn’s chubby lil cheeks
Forward 3: An adorably grumpy Alex Galchenyuk
THE AWKWARD HOLIDAY DINNER BALLOT
Goalie: Steve Mason
Goalie 2: Ilya Bryzgalof
Goalie 3: Sergei Bobrovsky
Goalie 4: Sergei Bobrovsky’s Vezina Trophy
Forward 1: Rick Nash
Forward 2: Jeff Carter
Forward 3: A Columbus fan loudly yelling “NO ONE LOVES YOU JEFF CARTER” the entire weekend
Defenseman 1: Jack Johnson
Defenseman 2: Boomer
Goalie: Henrik Lundqvuist
Defenseman 1: Andrew Ference
Defenseman 2: Ryan Suter
Forward 1: Patrick Marleu
Forward 2: Joe Thornton
Forward 3: Marian Hossa
Boone Jenner in tall athletic socks and sandals for all six positions.
THE FRATBROS ANONYMOUS BALLOT
Goalie: A keg of natty lite
Defenseman 1: Michael Del Zotto
Defenseman 2: MDZ is gonna call around and see if that pornstar he did a terrible job of dating can hook you up with a second defenseman.
Forward 1: Tyler Seguin
Forward 2: (Edited 12/1/2016) jk replace the former suggestion with the literal dumpster fire of your choosing.
Forward 3: James Neal
Healthy Scratches: Everyone James Neal has ineffectually kissed recently
Also I was definitely lying about the non-partisan thing. You know who you need to vote for.
Nick Foligno and Sergei Bobrovsky: Vote early, vote often!